I feel like every couple of months I come across an article, a meme, a skit, or a hot take about the difficulties, uniqueness, and dwindling existence of adult friendships. There are jokes a plenty about the 30+ crowd being besties with their pets or their favourite book. There are many mentions of a fading social circle after a major life event. The perplexed looks on people wondering how it’s possible to entertain more than a maximum of two additional people in your life outside of your spouse or children.
So I’ve been left thinking about the intricacies of adult friendships a lot lately. I compare my experience to the ones I frequently read about in human interest articles and the TikTok takes on the internet, and I can’t help but feel like I’m somewhat of an anomaly.
As much as I enjoy my alone time and lazy days bingeing documentaries alongside my cat like the average elder millennial, I also love socializing with people. New people. Old people. Young people. Mature people. Local people. International people. Loud people. Quiet people. People from all walks of life, with plenty of personal anecdotes. I’m truly fascinated by the human experience whether it’s my own or someone else’s. For many people in my life I hear often how being social can be overwhelmingly draining. As much as I can empathize with that feeling, more often than not, socializing truly fills my internal battery. I find myself regularly chasing that feeling of community and holding on tightly to the various interesting people who come into my life at any given moment. I consider myself one of the lucky ones who has been blessed with a large group of friends — some who have been along for the ride since as early as my teen years. Still it hasn’t always been this way.
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As someone who spent much of their childhood moving from place to place, having to create new friendships and reestablish community regularly, I don’t think I ever valued commitment or building meaningful foundations. Although I always enjoyed being social and engaging with others, I seemed to be completely comfortable keeping people and places at arm's length. I was perfectly ready to disappear and start over at a moment's notice. Beginnings were always great but endings were inevitable…Until a group of feisty, opinionated, teen girls in low rise jeans came into my life and threatened to never leave. It’s weird how one simple gesture can change the way you navigate life and interact with the world.
It’s as if they dared me to a trust fall and they actually caught me.
It’s been approximately two decades since I graduated from high school. However, unlike the YA books I’ve read and the coming-of-age films I’ve watched, much of my adolescent friendships have stood the test of time. The chapter of my youth that was supposed to have this intense emotional closure in order to create a fresh and vibrant pathway to adulthood, just simply never happened. I still remember sitting at a park with my girlfriends post high school graduation, trying my best to articulate how much I would miss them as we were all about to embark on the next chapter of our lives. When I looked up at their equally emotional faces they were staring back at me completely confused.
One friend exclaimed, “what are you talking about?”
The other one followed up with, “are you seriously trying to get rid of us?”
And then finally someone said, “bitch, we’re not going anywhere!”
… And they were absolutely right!
After university. After moving. After marriages. After kids. After adulting came at us hard, fast, and swiftly we were still standing strong*ish.
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In my youth I always felt that relationships outside of family were valuable but temporary. Then adolescence and young adulthood taught me the benefit of committing to relationships even when proximity and personal responsibilities shifted. But now, firmly planted in adulthood I find myself struggling to balance the dichotomy of old and new friendships.
In the years since my high school graduation I’ve collected many other amazing friends along the way. From the part-time jobs I had to suffer through during my university years to my most recent career endeavours in the tech and literary space. I’ve learned so much about myself having meaningful adult friendships that were made as an actual adult versus having friendships that have been carried through the various stages of my lifecycle.
The people who I’ve enveloped into my post post secondary life have been a part of the version of me who manages bills, schedules appointments, takes meetings, challenges authority - engages in discussions about racism, feminism, activism, and the like. They push me to face some of the more difficult decisions about familial obligations, work responsibilities, and support my health and wellness goals. The mutual respect, care and encouragement seems to never be questioned or debated. There is no hierarchy, segregation, or competition. We simply choose to be there for each other when, where and how we can in the ways we’re able to judgment free.
It’s just so easy to be with these people. Easier still, we’ve worked together and for the most part we all live less than 20 min away from each other. When you’re able to simply grab a drink after work, or try the newest brunch spot up the street, or join a weekend yoga class together there is a seamlessness to nurturing that friendship and building a purposeful bond.
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The thing about navigating adult friendships and adult relationships in general is that, like anything worth having, some work is expected. The ease at which my new friendships were forming may have unintentionally created significant space between me and my long standing friendships. However, I didn’t want to default to my juvenile mindset of abandoning my last relationships in order to make room for the new ones. Like any other significant relationship in life worth keeping, friendship needs nurturing, meaningful engagement, and opportunities to face challenges head on. If marriages are work that come with a legally binding contract, imagine how much work goes into making the choice to be someone’s platonic confidant, ally, ride or die til the end of days. It’s not always going to be 3-way-calling gossip sessions about the boys you are currently crushing on, or charcuterie boards and cocktails on a patio. It sometimes means just being a temporary safe space for sharing your fears and unspeakable traumas and knowing that the cocktails and fun conversations will circle back in time. So amongst all the adult things that take up my time, effort and energy I try to do my best, put in the work, and make a purposeful effort in fostering all the relationships that are meaningful to me.
I know how unlikely it is to have the kinds of friendships I’m blessed to have at this stage and phase of my life, and all the love and support I get on a regular basis. These are the people who have been there for the many major milestones but also my breakdowns, blow-ups and god awful bad decisions. At the end of the day I have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to friends; true, heartfelt, layered, thoughtful, loving friends and do not take it lightly.
It is possible to not only have friendships as an adult but you can have a whole bus load if that’s really what you want.
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For those of you who would rather be entertained by adult friendships from a healthy distance than engage with your own motley crew IRL, I’ve created a list of some of my favourite and iconic friendships from film, television & pop culture. I know I’ve missed some so feel free to share your favs in the comments!
Famous Friendships
-Oprah & Gayle
-Ben Affleck & Matt Damon
-JLo & Leah Remini
-Bob The Drag Queen & Monet XChange
-Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
-Martha Stewart & Snoop Dogg
Famous Shows About Friendships
-Will & Grace
-Friends
-Living Single
-Seinfeld
-Girlfriends
-Sex & the City
-Insecure
-Happy Endings
-Grace & Frankie
-Harlem
-Entourage
Famous Movies About Friendships
-I Love You Man
-Bridesmaids
-Girls Trip
-The Hangover
-Waiting To Exhale
-The Wood
-Best Man / Best Man Holiday
-Set It Off
-Thelma & Louise
-First Wives Club
Reality TV Shows About Adult Friendships
-Jersey Shore Vacation
-Vanderpump Rules
-Summer House
-Summer House Martha’s Vineyard
-Real Housewives (all of ‘em)
Everything I've learned about adult friends I learned from Vanderpump Rules, 100%.
(I kid, I kid!)
I think I've managed to learn 3 lessons about friendship as an adult
1. if at all possible, live by your friends. everywhere has pros/cons, so just live by your friends (this might be more a lesson in where to live?)
2. The best way to make friends as an adult is, when you realize you wish to be someone's friend, just say, "let's be friends!". One of my friend groups is spread across 4 cities, 3 states/provinces, 2 countries (and 5 cities, 4 states/provinces during our ill-advised Halifax tenure!) and we became and remain friends because we all just said, "you are awesome, let's be friends" after meeting at a fan convention. These are people we hit it off with immediately and I didn't think I'd ever see again, but I've seen them numerous times in person in the 5 years since we met them.
3. This lesson I think is mostly applicable to introverts and probably more specifically dudes: but if you have friendships you care about, text them! I'm actually realizing my ADHD lack of object permanence probably plays a role here, too, as I write. I used to almost never talk to friends when I wasn't actively hanging out with them. Not great! Have group chats! Send memes, rants, high fives, etc! I know anyone with social skills will think, "...duh?" but my dumb ass only learned this in the last 5-6 years.
I have no idea why I just brain dumped so much, but oh well. My vyvanse'll kick in soon and I'll be able to get something done lol