Discipline as Self Care?

Adult woman comes to realization that maybe structure is... helpful?

Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

As one does, I found myself doing some aimless Instagram scrolling. Oftentimes, the scrolling rabbit hole turns up not much other than pretty pictures – elements of self comparison, and boredom (especially when you realize there are other things you should be doing, and the algorithm surfaces old pictures… I digress)

But occasionally, if you’ve managed to curate your algorithm the right way - amidst the cute animal pictures that warm your heart, and the comics that make you laugh, you land on a message that finds you at the right time. 

This was one such moment.

A post from Brandon Kyle Goodman came up on my feed.  As a well loved favourite on my following list, it’s not entirely a surprise to be served some content from Brandon. In this particular post, in keeping with their usual skill at combining personal experiences with reminding people of their own power, Brandon spoke to feeling like they were coming out of a bit of a fog that had been hanging around them for some time ( a moment of silence for relatability). The caption then went on to remind us of the importance of not only reclaiming our power but “standing in it unapologetically”.

While the caption itself was more than enough, there was a photo quote in the carousel that really prompted my thought journey. 

Image: “Trying to develop a healthier relationship with discipline and view it as one of the highest forms of self love, and not as the ‘punishment’ I’ve been taught to look at it as throughout my life.”

Perhaps it’s the energy in the air, but this message landed particularly hard for me.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve certainly had a mixed relationship with the idea of discipline. For example, through my years in school I’d start the year off with the promise that this was it: I’d start all my work ahead of time, and I’d put in the time to do the prep work to avoid being stressed and frustrated as the deadlines approached. Fast forward to years and years of such promises, and many instances of me wrapping up an essay as I watched the clocks change — alternately losing and/or gaining an hour of time to put something coherent to paper. 

Sure there was a certain thrill or a certain adrenaline rush that I felt (and still feel) with getting something done in time under the clock. But that’s still tied up with frustration, stress, and the idea that there’s probably a better way to be. 

Dreaming is the easy part. Putting into action? Making it a reality? That’s where it starts to get difficult.

I think I've had a tendency to want to hold on tightly, to think that I could stave off unwanted changes by sheer force of will. But unpredictability by its very nature comes at you without checking in first to make sure it's a good time. And more and more I’ve come to believe that having one’s own system of groundedness can be one tool to help stay afloat even when all the world is shifting under your feet.

I’ve often joked about things like exercise and sleep hygiene being a bit of a scam. And honestly, I refuse to back down from my allegations. But the worst part about all the rumours are – they’re true. I do feel better when I have a routine. I do feel better when I take care of myself. When I listen to the adult voice somewhere deep inside that compels me to get out of bed at my first alarm, to move my body, to choose a real meal over scrounging for whatever’s easiest. To indulge in practices that support current Patryce and future Patryce. But like Al Pacino’s character said in the movie ‘Scent of a Woman (Hoo hah!) “ I always knew what the right path was. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? It was too damn hard.” 

Lately though, similar to Brandon, I’ve felt like I’ve been wandering through a bit of a fog myself. In particular, there’s the tension between coasting on patterns and behaviours that while, not ideal, are familiar, all while battling with the knowledge and deep sense that to get the things I want – to feel the way I want – I’ll have to make changes, make new, better patterns.

I think too, as we veer further into adulthood, the difference with discipline and structure now is that, possibly for the first time for many of us, the structures are ones that we’re largely allowed to create for ourselves. We can start to think about the things that matter to us, that make us feel like our best selves, and find ways to weave those into our day to day in a bid to turn up the awesome and turn down the suck. At the end of the day, life really only allows us one go ‘round – and god knows it’s not always easy – and remembering that we’re the only ones who live that life really underscores how important it is to make sure that one life feels worthwhile.
Ideally, building our own discipline framework helps us carve out the space to not only make life easier, but to also make room to lean into joy and fun as well I want to know that I’ve set myself up for success, to not always feel like I'm playing catch up because I’ve ignored my needs, allowed deadlines to build up  or disregarded the routines that make me feel better. Imagine the possibility of relaxing with barely any demands hovering over you, because you managed to be your own adult and enforce structure? The dream! 

So while doing the right thing has always been too damn hard, living an undisciplined life that doesn’t actually support my needs is, in a lot of ways, much harder.