Adventures in Therapy

Five lessons learned from my therapy journey

Photo by J. Amill Santiago on Unsplash

In April 2021, I had my first official therapy session; I’d considered therapy for years, but I was yet to take the plunge. After a horrible period of work-induced stress and anxiety that led to my doctor prescribing me anti-depressants, I felt like I had no other choice than to seek professional help (and eventually quit my job). Almost two years later, I can confidently say that this was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made; therapy marked a significant turning point in my life, and put me on a path towards healing, self-discovery, and self-prioritization. If you’re considering therapy for the first time, or are early in your therapy journey, here are five things my experience has taught me that might be useful to you too.

1. Be picky

Therapy is one of the most vulnerable and intimate human experiences. It involves unpacking your innermost thoughts, formative experiences, and trauma — things you may have never shared, or even acknowledged yourself — with a professional stranger. Finding that perfect stranger with whom you can dive so deep can be challenging. For me, it took recognizing the key things I needed to establish trust with this person — and a ton of luck.

When I started my search, one of my main criteria was that my therapist needed to be a woman, preferably a black woman, and, ideally, a black immigrant woman. While I’m sure there are lots of great therapists who don’t fit this criteria, it was important that the person I was going to bare my soul to shared these key intersections with me. I didn’t want to spend my precious therapy time explaining certain things — like why I’d never dare talk back to my parents, or the complex relationship I have with my natural hair. I also knew it would be easier to connect with someone who looked like me. And I was right. I feel seen in ways I wouldn’t have if my therapist had not been a black woman.

The more you open up in therapy, the more you’ll get out of it. So, be picky. Think of the criteria that are most important to you, then take time to find the person that best meets your needs.

2. Don’t overthink it

When I narrowed down my therapist criteria, it was clear that my search wasn’t going to be easy. Overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, I put it off “temporarily” — giving up before I began. Months later, fuelled by the rapid deterioration of my mental health, I finally convinced myself to look, and even found a few promising options. Still, I hesitated; would they really be the right fit for me? What didn’t occur to me was that finding a therapist isn’t an irreversible decision. Just like with any other paid service, if you’re not getting the value you need, you have every right to move on and continue your search. 

Most therapists provide free consultations to assess whether the relationship is a good fit — a check for red flags; a test to see if the vibes are good enough to warrant a paid session. Take advantage of these; consult with the promising therapists you come across, and only commit to a paid session if you think you’ve found someone you can work with. It might take a few sessions, and you might have to churn through a few therapists (some of my friends went through 3 or 4), but you’ll eventually find the professional that’s best suited to support you. The most important thing is to keep trying. Don’t let the idea of immediately finding the perfect therapist prevent you from getting help in the first place.

3. Go in with an open mind

My therapist spent a sizable chunk of our first few sessions exploring my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my family history — things that seemed to have nothing to do with why I was there in the first place; my stress, anxiety, and burnout levels were at an all time high, and I was desperate for relief. Perplexed by this apparent detour, I’d steer the conversation back to the present — my job, my micromanager boss, the tech hamster wheel I was trapped in. And while my therapist would listen and engage with what I said, we’d ultimately find ourselves right back where we began: in my past. Eventually, I relented, choosing to trust the professional I’d enlisted to help fix me. Together, we explored the memories her questions conjured, and I started seeing patterns that were fundamental to unearthing the roots of my problems. The detour paid off, but it took patience, trust, and curiosity.

That’s not to say that all detours will result in grand epiphanies — some may even lead to dead ends. Therapy is an exercise in self-exploration with many potential paths to your ultimate goal. A few wrong turns are inevitable, which makes check-ins and communication critical. Approach any detours you encounter with an open mind, but don’t hesitate to express your doubts or concerns. Your therapist’s goal is to support you; your questions and feedback are the guideposts they need to help you get to your final destination.

4. Do your homework

The first homework assignment my therapist gave me involved using the Feelings Wheel to identify the emotions I experienced in between our sessions. While part of me was intrigued by the idea that “sadness” could be expressed in 18 different ways, the other part deeply sighed at the thought of homework. I used the wheel a few times, then forgot about it until my next session. This quickly became a pattern for me: dabble with homework, put it off until an hour before my appointment, panic, repeat. All the while, I was puzzled, wondering how I'd ever make any real progress with only 1-2 sessions a month.

The guilt of recounting half-truths about the homework I’d “done” eventually began weighing on me, so I decided to make an effort to do the actual work. Sometimes, this was a solo endeavour — me practising my therapist’s suggestions as I sat, walked, cooked, or showered. Other times, I enlisted the help of those closest to me to unpack and explore the mysteries of my mind. Then, I’d write down my discoveries in time for my next appointment. Gradually, I saw a noticeable shift in my therapy sessions; our conversations were more productive, and we covered much more ground in the same amount of time. A lightbulb finally went off in my head: most of the returns you’ll get from therapy don’t come from the sessions themselves, but the work you do between them. So, whatever it takes, do your homework.

5. Challenge your expectations

I must admit that I went to therapy looking for answers. I wanted my therapist to unearth the exact reasons for my stress and anxiety, explain my perfectionist tendencies, and reveal why my self-worth was so closely tied to my job. While I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past ~two years, I still don’t have the exact answers to these questions — only educated guesses. I now realize how futile my search for answers was, and wonder what value I was hoping to get from them. Yes, knowing why I’m a perfectionist would be fascinating; but understanding that my perfectionism is tied to a need for external validation and is based on unrealistic ideals has enabled me to focus on seeking validation inwards, and rejecting harmful societal standards.

Letting go of my quest for answers has been the freeing mental shift I needed to get more out of therapy. I’ve come to accept that it would be impossible to fully unpack my complex and multi-layered self, and instead spend my energy on healing, growing, and moving forward. If you find yourself struggling with unmet expectations during your therapy journey, it’s worth exploring how realistic these expectations are in the first place. Challenging these expectations — and even discussing them with your therapist — might be the key to unlocking better therapy outcomes.